Don't leave it too late!

Life can be so cruel sometimes. Last year I found out that a very dear friend and neighbour had been told that she only had about 2 weeks to live. Despite going backwards and forwards to the hospital for the past 4 years, a recent scan revealed that, not only did she have cancer, but that it had spread to all her major organs, They offered her chemotherapy but as it wouldn't really make any difference to the outcome, she chose not to have it. Not ready to die yet she put up a brave fight but sadly passed away on the morning of Friday 14th June. I'll miss her terribly.

My neighbour was a very 'young at heart' eighty odd year old, who despite having some of the usual aches and pains associated with getting older, loved to get out and about everyday. She always had time for a chat and took a great interest in me and my family. When I needed someone to talk too, she was always there and never judged me in any way. Normally she would have been one of the first people that I would have phoned to tell the good news about my son achieving a first in his Master's degree in Mathematics. But I can only stare at the telephone trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll never again be able to call her, knowing that she would be as delighted as I am at his achievements. My neighbour had watched my son grow up and  knew how hard he had worked and some of the obstacles he'd had to overcome along the way.

Usually when people are given this news they've more often than not been ill for some time and have had more time to come to terms with it. I've heard that it's a bit like going through the grieving process working your way through shock, denial, anger, bargaining and hopefully acceptance. My friend didn't deserve this and I feel angry as well as sad on her behalf.

We often lightly use the phrase, 'life's too short'. I know I do. But sometimes it takes something like this to make us realise how short.

'Life is short. Focus on what matters and let go of what doesn't' 

But why am I writing this?

By the time I found out that my friend was terminally ill she had gone into a hospice and was unable to receive visitors. I hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks and had been 'meaning' to phone her but never 'got round to it'! Other things got in the way. This is something that I'll regret for a long time. I couldn't help thinking about funerals I'd been to in the past where people spoke about what that person had meant to them and remember thinking that it was such a shame the person in question wasn't able to hear it. I decided to write to my friend telling her how much knowing her had meant to me and thanking her for all the times she'd helped and encouraged me. I gave this letter to her family and left it to their discretion whether to share it with her or not. I have since found out that they did.


One of the lessons I've learnt from this tragic situation is that I need to make sure that I tell the people in my life that I appreciate and care about them while I still can. Next time I 'mean' to call someone, I'll try to do it right away and not keep putting it off. Making time to call someone may just save me from a lifetime of regret.

She was a very special lady and will leave a gap in my life that will be hard to fill. But she's left behind the memory of a life well lived and one worth aspiring to emulate.

Here's a poem I wrote in memory of my friend. To help me cope with losing, not just her, but other special people in my life.

'Speak fondly when remembering the times that once we shared

The laughs, the tears, the moments when, a single look conveyed

A thousand things, a thousand words inadequate to show

How knowing you enriched my life, but now I have to go.  

Speak loudly, laugh as memories come flooding through your mind

Your shoulder wet from tears you shed whenever I was kind

The random acts of kindness that you witnessed me perform

The peace I helped you find within the eye of nature’s storms. 

Speak softly when the thought of me brings tears into your eyes.:

The empty ache inside of you may fade as years go by. 

But know that I’m still with you, your heart my resting place

Until the time we meet again, somewhere in time and space. 

Let silence not become the thief that takes me from your heart

Speak, and I’ll always be with you though we are far apart

My life has gone and I am but a page in time and space

But when you speak your words restore me to, a special place.' 

© 2013

What's holding you back from pursuing your dream?

Recently I was deserted by my hubby who'd gone to help our youngest son pack up and move out of his student digs. Finally after 4 years of hard work, as well as the obligatory student lifestyle, he has finished his Master's degree in Mathematics. Before you ask, he did not get it from me! Depending on his results, he has been offered a place at Liverpool university to do a PHD. We're so proud of him as you might well expect, but it's not just because he's persevered and finished his degree, but also because he had a dream and he did whatever it took to make that dream happen.

Let me explain. When he was in secondary or senior school he was placed in a Mathematics programme where for some obscure reason he could never achieve higher than a B grade in maths. This also meant that he wasn't taught Further Maths which would put him at a disadvantage if he wanted to do the A level. The night of his parent's evening when we were speaking to one of his teachers about his choice of subjects for A level, he was told he probably wouldn't get to study maths at university because of this. Undeterred my son worked his socks off and achieved the B in Maths at GCSE level required to do the A level and wholly of his own initiative approached the teacher who would be teaching him A level Maths and asked him for work to do over the school holidays to bring him up to speed with the other students in Further Maths. As you can see, he pulled it off and the rest, as they say, is history.

As is my wont, this got me thinking! Why is it so many of us never fully realise our dreams and aspirations?

Why is it that it's taken me until the later years of my life to start to pursue my dream of being a writer?

In my case one very obvious reason was lack of confidence in myself. As a child although I was quite bright I never came first,  although I was often in the top 3 or 4. But for some reason that I can't understand this left me feeling 'second best', that I could never be good enough to come first. I can only assume that this was also tied up in other things that were going on in my life at the time, but I'm not going to explore that here. Over the years things have happened that seemed to confirm this lack of belief in myself. For me, getting over this hurdle came with maturity. I've stopped being so hard on myself. I've realised that it really isn't winning the race that matters but the taking part in the first place. If you don't try something, yes you'll never fail, but you'll have no chance of winning either.

This leads me on to another reason, fear of failing. How often have you not done something in case it didn't work out? I know that I have and too many times to remember I'm ashamed to say. But another feature of growing older is that I now know that if something doesn't work out, it's really not the end of the world! It's by making mistakes that we learn and grow. If we always got things right first time we'd never develop and would be that rare if not extinct creature-a perfect human being.

Surrounding yourself with the wrong people. It's hard to be around someone who's always right and sometimes we surround ourselves with people that feed into our insecurities and aren't always as encouraging as they could be. An author friend of mine wrote that we should surround ourselves with people who make us feel good about ourselves. It's in such a supportive and nurturing atmosphere that we can dare to take any chances necessary in pursuit of our dreams and aspirations.

Being afraid of hard work. Achieving your dreams doesn't just happen. It can require an enormous amount of effort. I think that some people, myself included, give up too easily. even the most talented singers, actors or painters, to name but a few, have had to work hard to get where they are and continue to do so. Don't give up just because it gets tough. Remember the saying; 'if a things worth doing, it's worth doing well!' and that requires effort.








I know that life isn't always that simple. That things can and do happen that get in the way. Sometimes it's necessary to 'take time out' whether it's because of illness or bereavement or many other reasons. But as all the Paralympians who achieved medals at the Olympics last year have shown, there's always a way if you truly want something.

This is by no means a complete list of things that stop us achieving our goals. you can probably think of a lot more. But these are the ones that I'm working on overcoming and some days I'm more successful than others. One thing I've discovered is that when you're doing something you love and really want to do, even if it doesn't lead to anything; it sure is fun trying.


Here's a challenge! Try thinking of some of the things that are holding you back and see what you can do about even just one of them. You might surprise yourself- I did! © 2013

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." - Ayn Rand

 

 

News just in! My son achieved a First in his Master's degree. One very proud mum.