Listening to your inner voice.

Have you noticed how a lot of important things in life have 2 sides to them? Yin and yang, left and right, right and wrong, good and bad, up and down! I believe that we also have 2 inner voices, one positive and the other negative. Now I'm a firm believer in listening to your inner voice. But I also think that there are times when it isn't always such a good idea.

Anyone following my blogs, or even if you've just read my last one, (Blogger beware ), will know that life has been a bit fraught at times this year, to say the least! 2013 has been quite a challenge but on the whole I've been able to stay quite upbeat about it all-until last week that is.

At the time I coped really well and was able to remain positive. I surprised myself to be honest. As all mothers out there will know when your child needs you, you find a strength that you never knew you had. But it can catch up with you when you least expect it.

It's a week later and I'm back home. I should be relieved, happy, euphoric, but instead I feel flat, depressed, despondent. and suddenly I'm doubting everything. My hopes, my dreams and my ability to fulfil them.

It's at times like this that I believe that it isn't always a good idea to be listening to your 'inner voice'.
      

'Everyone has that inner voice, the one that's a Negative Nancy. I'd say to ignore that voice and be confident and follow your heart.' Katherine McPhee, quote from Brainy Quotes.

 I came across this quote on Twitter when I was feeling at my most negative. When we've been through something stressful or traumatic it can affect our judgement. It's at times like this that I think that it's a good idea to sit back and do nothing of any importance, at least for a while. Making any major decisions is definitely not a good idea. This is what my heart is telling me to do.

I was 18 when my youngest brother who was only 13 died suddenly of a heart attack brought on by asthma. I was inconsolable and in my grief decided that I was going to throw in my job as a Medical Laboratory Scientific Officer and withdraw from the part time course I was attending and go to work for Christian Aid in Biafra. A wise older colleague persuaded me that I would be more use to them if I finished my qualifications first. I never did go to Biafra and as I was later diagnosed with Lupus, this probably was a good thing. I'm really grateful to that colleague as I believe that they stopped me from making a big mistake simply because I was in an emotionally unstable place.

'Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.' Marilyn Munroe.

Taking life one day at a time is always a good idea, but even more so when life is being particularly challenging. My inner voice over the past few days has been making me question what I'm doing and why, but not in a constructive, positive way. So I'm going to ignore that 'Negative Nancy' and give myself space and time to recover.

 Tomorrow has yet to come and no matter what it may bring, worrying about it is a complete waste of energy and will achieve nothing. Isabel Johnstone, 2013.

So I'll carry on taking one step at a time and continue to pursue my dreams.

(Courtesy of Power of the beach.)

Acknowledgements:

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/inner_voice.html#DV4j9YVBoKDL1Q7A.99

Don't let one bad chapter picture courtesy of www.hearttoheartthoughts.com

Bloggers beware!

Remember the phrase, 'be careful what you wish for'? Well I think that there should also be a phrase, 'be careful what you write'! In my last blog I responded to a challenge to write about a song that 'takes me to my happy place' no matter what's going on in my life at the time. No problem I thought and gaily started to write about the song, 'Singing in the rain', from the film with the same title. I should have remembered that in most films things tend to go wrong before the happy ending!

Almost as soon as I'd pressed the publish button, circumstances arose that had me not only desperately singing that song, but also had me searching for something else in my life that can take me to my 'happy place'!

If you've been following my blogs you may remember that in February, on the day my grandson was born, my hubby had a seizure completely out of the blue. This all happened in Manchester. At the time I happened to reading about 19th century Manchester for my open university course and the chapter I'd been reading was titled, 'Manchester-shock city!'. Well guess what? Manchester has done it again!

My eldest son, who lives in Manchester, has had a pacemaker since he was 11 years old. He does very well with it but every so often he has to have it changed as the battery runs out. The time had come around again for a battery change and this routine procedure, which should be done as a day patient, was scheduled for Monday 15th July. However a routine scan on the Friday prior to his procedure revealed that his pacemaker was faulty and he was immediately admitted.

After much consultation with my son and his wife, it was agreed that I would go up to Manchester on the Sunday afternoon after my choir had finished performing at Ox-fest as originally planned.

Then the fun began!

The journey started well enough as my hubby had upgraded us to first class as a surprise. I settled in to enjoy the journey but at Birmingham New Street we had to evacuate, not only the train, but also the station as the fire alarm was going off. It proved to be a false alarm and so we boarded the train and went on our way. It also proved to be a portent of things to come!

On the Monday the doctor's carried out a slightly more complicated operation replacing and re-siting the pacemaker and inserting 2 new pacing leads. All seemed to go well but as the evening went on he became increasingly breathless and developed a pain in his chest.


Unfortunately one of the possible complications of this procedure was a collapsed lung, (or pneumothorax for any medically minded people), and my son was one of the unlucky ones.

The doctors inserted a chest drain to release the trapped air causing the lung to collapse and next day an x-ray confirmed that the lung had reflated so the chest drain was removed. A few hours later the lung collapsed again and we were back to square one. Another chest drain was inserted and after another anxious 24 hours this one was removed and the following lunchtime he was allowed home.

By this time I must admit singing 'Singing in the rain' wasn't really working for me any more.

All seemed to go well but after having gone for a nap  my son woke up feeling breathless again and off to A&E we went. Thankfully it was a false alarm and at 1am the following morning we arrived back home, exhausted but relieved.

My 'happy song' wasn't working for me, so how did I cope?

Back in February the arrival of my first grandchild had been the thing that had kept us all going. Just looking at this amazing, tiny, perfect little boy was enough to release any tension that not only me, but also the rest of the family, were feeling. Gazing at him as he slept or even watching him screw up his face as he cried, just melted our hearts and brought a smile where before had been anxiety or even tears. What a big responsibility for such a tiny boy.

Fast forward a few months and once more that same little boy is weaving his magic. Despite all the drama he continues to melt our tears away and even make us smile as he laughs and giggles, completely oblivious to the drama that's unfolding around him. He's helped to give us hope when things seemed at their darkest.

I'm sure that any grandparents or even parents will right now be nodding their heads and smiling in agreement. It's not that you're any less worried or stressed, but looking at these tiny miracles helps to bring hope and help you to cope with any situation, you have too for their sake.

We found out later that my son's old pacemaker had failed to restart when he was on the operating table so he was incredibly fortunate in the timing of it's replacement. I knew my son was going to be OK when on visiting him he told us that he'd been putting together a play list of songs including:
'Every breath you take', Sting and  'You'll never walk alone' by Gerry and the Pacemakers, among other heart/lung related sons!

I can't honestly say that I've been feeling like I could sing and dance, but my lovely grandson has certainly helped to make the situation more than just bearable.

Not everyone has the privilege of being parents or grandparents, but I hope that if you think hard enough you can find something that'll give you a lift when everything around you seems to be falling apart. Why not try thinking now of what it might be and then you'll be prepared for when,or hopefully if, you need it.


On a positive note my hubby is fine and all the tests the doctors ordered were completely clear, so we'll probably never know why he had a seizure. I've nothing personal against Manchester, but a little part of me is thinking that perhaps my son and his family should move somewhere else-just saying!

© 2013

If you missed it here is the link to the Manchester: shock city blog.
http://isabelj327.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/manchester-shock-city.html

 

Happy place photo courtesy of kingdomofstyle.typepad.co.uk

Grandma was here courtesy of facebook.com.Incredible

What makes us smile? A blog challenge.

One of the up sides of social media is that we get the opportunity to find out about people and things that we otherwise wouldn't. A few months ago I started following Sloan Rawlins on Twitter which led to me also following her blog under the name of "Taming the Invisible Dragon". I started to follow her because she seems to be on a similar 'journey' to myself. A journey of aspiring to be happy and at peace with herself and the world. Well who doesn't want that?

 

In her latest post she had taken up a challenge set by another fellow blogger, Lori Lane. Lori has issued a challenge to write about things that make you happy. Not just happy in that it brings a smile to your face, but 'making you want to sing and dance and love the whole world' type of  happy. The idea is that you write a blog about a certain type of thing she chooses that makes you happy and invite others to write about the same topic. Then Lori will choose a different thing that makes her happy to blog about and share this, and so on. Confused don't be all will soon become clear.

The topic of this weeks challenge is to write about a song that makes you happy.

I've chosen 'Singing in the rain' from the film with the same title.

Why?

At the tender age of 8 years old I took to the stage for the first time and in front of my family, friends and a fair amount of strangers, and sang this song, on my own with 4 other young girls dancing behind me twirling umbrellas . This has to be one of the most wonderful memories of my childhood. I only have to hear this song, or even better watch the film, and I'm immediately transported back to that time and place. That night, on that stage, I really felt as if the world was my oyster and that anything was possible. I remember even as a teenager walking home on warm summer's evenings with my best friend singing and dancing to this song just because I was high on the joy of living.

Even the words of the song are inspiring. If we can be 'singing in the rain' and  'laughing at clouds so high up above', to quote some of the lyrics, then life will take on a whole new meaning.

I didn't grow up to be a famous West end or Broadway star. I've had my share of life's highs and lows, ( I won't say fair share as who decides what's fair?), But even as I'm writing this blog, I can feel a bubble of happiness quickening inside of me, chasing away the anxieties that have been plaguing me. Almost against my will I'm grinning as I once again feel the excitement of that evening.

This weekend the Adult Singing Group, Woapa, that I'm a part of are performing at a local music festival, Ox-feast. I'm a 'lady of a certain age' who has never even been to a music festival before and here I am performing at one! Of course I'm absolutely terrified. But I'm also really excited and writing this blog and thinking about my favourite song has only helped to increase this feeling of excitement.

In the words of one of the songs that we will be singing this weekend, a song from the musical Fame;

 'Bring on tomorrow. let it shine'.

So who's up for the challenge? What makes you smile? © 2013


Below is the link to "Taming the Invisible Dragon"

http://tamingtheinvisibledragon.com/

Happiness picture courtesy of World of Lupus Facebook group.