Monday, 26 November 2012

'I have a dream'

Last night I had a dream; not a fairytale, knights on White chargers dream. Nor was it a nightmare. It was more a kind of unsettling dream. I dreamt that I was saying goodbye to a couple of friends and as we approached the front door I noticed that a large crack had developed in the wall to the left of the door post. Alarmingly it was about 6-8 inches wide and very deep. I started to panic as all sorts of horrendous images flashed through my mind. I half expected the roof to cave in and for me and the girls to be buried alive in what once was my safe haven! Then the strangest thing happened. The wall became 2 large blocks and for some reason I reached out and found that I could easily lift them out of the way leaving behind a secure, unblemished wall. As is the way of dreams, this did not phase me at all, but seemed perfectly logical.


I live in an old terraced cottage built around 1907 and the rooms as you might expect are quite small. A previous owner of the house had removed the wall separating the hallway from the lounge  creating a larger space. This means that you step straight from the porch into the lounge. They had left a small portion of the wall attached to the front in 'situ' and it was this that, in my dream , had cracked and been removed. The only difference between my dream and reality, apart from the fact that this portion of wall hasn't actually cracked, was that that in my dream it was much bigger and occupied more space in the room.

My panic started to subside as I realised that the house was not about to collapse about my ears and it occurred to me that this was actually quite a fortuitous happenstance! The portion of wall that had collapsed didn't really serve any purpose. When the rest of the wall had been removed a large beam had been installed in its place to ensure that the ceiling didn't collapse. All that had happened was that I had gained a larger room with more scope for possibilities. In my dream the room became lighter and airier as if some dark presence had been eliminated.

It was at this point that I woke up, but I couldn't stop thinking about this dream. After rushing downstairs to check that it had just been a dream, I started to think about what it could mean? I'm quite a 'dreamy' person and can usually relate my dreams to something that is going on in my life or something that I'm worrying about. Life has been pretty good recently and apart from worrying about what to buy people for Christmas, I'm not really worried about anything at the moment. so it couldn't be that! What could the dream be about?

Sometimes in life we have to get rid of things and dare I say, people, that are not helpful and can even be holding us back. Just as the whole of creation is a product of evolution and is constantly evolving, it is the same for us as individuals. I'm not a biologist but I do know that as certain animals have evolved their bodies have changed to adapt to their new circumstances. Apparently because of the change in our diet, we humans no longer need our wisdom teeth and new generations are being born without them. In fact, I myself never had any wisdom teeth, which could explain a lot! Sticking with the analogy of teeth, as children we have baby teeth but as we grow we lose those teeth and replace them with adult ones. Is it inconceivable then that as we mature and develop as people that we may need to get rid of things that are no longer useful and replace them with ones that are! To make room for more possibilities or just to unburden ourselves of things that may be stopping us from reaching our full potential!

This summer attending the Beginner's Writer's Workshop enabled me to get rid of the self doubt that was holding me back. As I have said before it not only gave me the confidence to start looking for my writer's voice but also gave me the courage to stand up in front of a crowd and sing a solo for the first time in a very long time. This has brought about a lightness in me that was missing. I may not always succeed but at least I'm now giving life a chance! After losing 2 babies the doctors offered my husband and I the chance to try again but as what they were proposing had never been done before they couldn't guarantee that it would work; we could end up losing another child. We decided to go for it because as painful as it would be if that happened, we felt that living with the 'what if' if we didn't would be worse. The result was a son who is currently doing a Masters degree in Mathematics!

Perhaps this dream is telling me that there is something else I need to unload from my past or another attitude that needs to change. Maybe even another chance I have to take! At this point I'm not quite sure what it is but I do know that I'm a work in progress and if I'm not willing to change that progress could be impeded. I also know that it is important, imperative even, to have a dream!

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