Work in progress!

In previous blogs I've talked about 'ripping up the past' and 'letting go', both very necessary things to do if you want to live your life to your full potential. Neither of these things are easy to do but can be extremely beneficial and freeing if you can manage to do so. This week I've been reminded that in order to be free from the past there was something else very important that I had to do.

It's a reasonably well known fact that the stages of grieving are anger, followed by guilt then, finally acceptance. How long it takes to go through each of these stages varies greatly and sometimes people find themselves 'stuck' in one of the stages, preventing them from being able to move on. For me it was guilt.

Losing a child, even as a baby, is devastating. You've not only lost a much longed for addition to your family but also the future. I'm sure I'm not the only expectant mother who has whiled away the hours dreaming of what this precious life growing inside you will be like. What colour of eyes or hair will they have? What will they want to be when they grow up? When this future is taken away from you it leaves a huge chasm that is filled initially with pain so great that you think that you'll never recover. But my blogs are mainly about 'new beginnings' and I am here to tell you that you can!

It's taken me a long time, but I've eventually come to believe the statement above. Getting there was a process and part of it required me to forgive myself.  Why did I feel guilty? It wasn't as if I'd deliberately done anything I shouldn't. I had an explanation, a reason why it had happened. I'd no reason to think that it was my fault-but I did! I know now with hindsight that I was emotionally in no fit state to think rationally and at the time I felt it was my fault as it was because of my Lupus that these precious angels hadn't made it. Because of my Lupus my body had produced antibodies that had attacked their hearts and ultimately caused their deaths! I know now that this was totally irrational, but for a long time it felt very real.

With the help of a brilliant counsellor, gradually I began to accept that it wasn't my fault. I hadn't asked to have Lupus and I had embarked on each pregnancy assured by the doctors that the Lupus wouldn't be a problem! Accepting it wasn't my fault was the easy part, the hard part was forgiving myself. This however was crucial to my being able to move on.

Feeling guilty isn't only confined to bereavement. There are many reasons for us to feel guilty, in fact it seems to be the default position for many of today's modern mothers. Tragically it's also common for victims of crime to feel guilty, as if somehow they brought it on themselves. I'm sure too that, like me, many others have made mistakes or done things that they're not proud of. I've said it before and I'll say it again we're not perfect, we're a work in progress. Being able to accept yourself as a 'work in progress' and learning not to be too hard on yourself can be a life-changing achievement!

Guilt is a heavy burden to carry around. I once heard a song where the lyrics said

'Loneliness is a common thing for people who've done something wrong enough to never have the courage to admit it to even their closest companions in life!'

 

I hadn't done anything wrong, but I could relate to the feelings of loneliness when I thought I had!

Learning to forgive myself is a life-long commitment. Unless I suddenly become perfect I'm probably going to be doing it a lot! Learning to forgive yourself in adverse circumstances isn't easy, but in my experience it's a vital part of being able to move on to 'new beginnings'.

 

 

 

Why white tulips? In Victorian times the white tulip was  regarded as a sign of forgiveness. Next time I need to forgive myself I'll buy some to remind me.

 

 

'I have a dream'

Last night I had a dream; not a fairytale, knights on White chargers dream. Nor was it a nightmare. It was more a kind of unsettling dream. I dreamt that I was saying goodbye to a couple of friends and as we approached the front door I noticed that a large crack had developed in the wall to the left of the door post. Alarmingly it was about 6-8 inches wide and very deep. I started to panic as all sorts of horrendous images flashed through my mind. I half expected the roof to cave in and for me and the girls to be buried alive in what once was my safe haven! Then the strangest thing happened. The wall became 2 large blocks and for some reason I reached out and found that I could easily lift them out of the way leaving behind a secure, unblemished wall. As is the way of dreams, this did not phase me at all, but seemed perfectly logical.

 

I live in an old terraced cottage built around 1907 and the rooms as you might expect are quite small. A previous owner of the house had removed the wall separating the hallway from the lounge  creating a larger space. This means that you step straight from the porch into the lounge. They had left a small portion of the wall attached to the front in 'situ' and it was this that, in my dream , had cracked and been removed. The only difference between my dream and reality, apart from the fact that this portion of wall hasn't actually cracked, was that that in my dream it was much bigger and occupied more space in the room.

My panic started to subside as I realised that the house was not about to collapse about my ears and it occurred to me that this was actually quite a fortuitous happenstance! The portion of wall that had collapsed didn't really serve any purpose. When the rest of the wall had been removed a large beam had been installed in its place to ensure that the ceiling didn't collapse. All that had happened was that I had gained a larger room with more scope for possibilities. In my dream the room became lighter and airier as if some dark presence had been eliminated.

It was at this point that I woke up, but I couldn't stop thinking about this dream. After rushing downstairs to check that it had just been a dream, I started to think about what it could mean? I'm quite a 'dreamy' person and can usually relate my dreams to something that is going on in my life or something that I'm worrying about. Life has been pretty good recently and apart from worrying about what to buy people for Christmas, I'm not really worried about anything at the moment. so it couldn't be that! What could the dream be about?

Sometimes in life we have to get rid of things and dare I say, people, that are not helpful and can even be holding us back. Just as the whole of creation is a product of evolution and is constantly evolving, it is the same for us as individuals. I'm not a biologist but I do know that as certain animals have evolved their bodies have changed to adapt to their new circumstances. Apparently because of the change in our diet, we humans no longer need our wisdom teeth and new generations are being born without them. In fact, I myself never had any wisdom teeth, which could explain a lot! Sticking with the analogy of teeth, as children we have baby teeth but as we grow we lose those teeth and replace them with adult ones. Is it inconceivable then that as we mature and develop as people that we may need to get rid of things that are no longer useful and replace them with ones that are! To make room for more possibilities or just to unburden ourselves of things that may be stopping us from reaching our full potential!

This summer attending the Beginner's Writer's Workshop enabled me to get rid of the self doubt that was holding me back. As I have said before it not only gave me the confidence to start looking for my writer's voice but also gave me the courage to stand up in front of a crowd and sing a solo for the first time in a very long time. This has brought about a lightness in me that was missing. I may not always succeed but at least I'm now giving life a chance! After losing 2 babies the doctors offered my husband and I the chance to try again but as what they were proposing had never been done before they couldn't guarantee that it would work; we could end up losing another child. We decided to go for it because as painful as it would be if that happened, we felt that living with the 'what if' if we didn't would be worse. The result was a son who is currently doing a Masters degree in Mathematics!

Perhaps this dream is telling me that there is something else I need to unload from my past or another attitude that needs to change. Maybe even another chance I have to take! At this point I'm not quite sure what it is but I do know that I'm a work in progress and if I'm not willing to change that progress could be impeded. I also know that it is important, imperative even, to have a dream!

What are you thankful for?

Thursday 28thNovember is Thanksgiving Day in the USA. Unfortunately what they’re being thankful for is obtaining their independence from Britain! Thankfully I think that we’re all over it by now and seem quite good friends. I wish we had a Thanksgiving Day in Britain, in fact all over the world. Apart from being a good excuse to eat turkey with all the trimmings, not to mention Pumpkin pie, I reckon we would all benefit from a day when we took time to think about what is good in our life and perhaps consider what we might change to improve the bad! 

Modern life seems so busy with everyone busy trying to juggle family, work and friends. Along with the expectation that, we should be exercising to keep ourselves healthy. For many of us the stress of trying to fit in exercise probably cancels out any benefit we obtain from exercising! With all this going on its no wonder we sometimes lose sight of what’s good about our lives, often focusing instead on what isn’t. 

I don’t think we should be too hard on ourselves about this. I think its part of the human condition. When we go through hard times, very often we say to ourselves that in future we won’t stress about the small things. In my experience that does happen for a while. But being human, as time passes I eventually start to let little things get to me again; until the next crisis!  

That’s why I think it would be great if we had our own Thanksgiving Day. A day when we put aside all our problems and worries and just spend some time with our families and friends. It would be like Christmas without the hassle and stress of buying presents! Of course there would have to be some ground rules such as agreeing that everyone contributes to the meal and not leave it to one person. A ‘bring and share’ meal perhaps. 

I’m not suggesting that everyone should necessarily sit around sharing what they’re thankful for! That could be a disaster! But if we knew that it was a day for being thankful then, just as at Christmas and other types of special days we think about our loved ones, both with us and whose who are not, we could spare some time to pause and reflect on what we’re thankful for.

Tomorrow I’m going to have my own Thanksgiving Day. I’m going to make a point of thinking about everything I’m grateful for. I might even make a list! I would love it if anyone reading this joins me and maybe we can start our own Thanksgiving Day.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

The things we do for love!

Meg

It seems to me that the world is divided up into two types of people:- 'cat people' and 'dog people'. although I know people who have both! I'm very definitely a 'cat person'. Not only do I have 2 of my own, but I also pop along to a local farm museum to feed the 3 farm cats that live very happily on the premises. In fact I'm referred to as Isabel, the cat lady! I also find dogs adorable but not enough to be able to walk them regularly and especially not to 'scoop their poop! Which is quite ironic really as my own 2 cats are getting on a bit and Meg the oldest of the 2 has started leaving unwanted deposits on the floor of the dining room. We finally decide to try keeping a cat loo in there for a while with the plan to move it when she got into the habit of using it. Not the best place to have it - but when we tried to move it somewhere else, she reverted to using the dining room floor again, so what choice do we have! Isn't it strange that I'm unwilling to scoop dog poop, but will happily do it for my cat!

Meg was always a bit on the heavy side and in a bid to try to get her weight down I bought a scratch post with a toy mouse dangling from it on a piece of elastic to encourage her to exercise. Meg loved it and would play with the mouse and pull herself round and round in circles around the post. It was hilarious to watch and combined with carefully monitoring of her diet, helped her to loose 2 kilos, which was the equivalent of a quarter of her starting weight! I wonder if they do a 'Slimmer of the year' award for cats! Chutney, my long haired ginger tom, also loved to use it and would claw away at it much to the benefit of the sofa!

After a couple of years of much use the scratch post started to look the worse for wear. The sisal rope that was coiled round the post came apart and threads of shredded rope hung like a fringed skirt on the post. It looked a bit of a mess so one day I decided to treat the cats to a new one. Feeling very pleased with myself, I dismantled the old one and put it in the garden shed and assembled the new post ready for the cats' inspection. It looked much better than the tatty old one and improved the look of the lounge. I waited excitedly for the cats to come and show their appreciation by happily playing, scratching and clawing away on the new post! I waited for months! They totally ignored the new scratch post. I sprayed it with catnip to no avail. I even rescued the mouse from the old post and attached it to the new one. Nothing; Nada; they still ignored it. Chutney started clawing the rush matting runner in front of the door to the lounge and Meg stopped exercising. Eventually I decided to re-instate the original scratch post which was luckily still in the garden shed.

When Meg appeared and discovered that the old post was back, she went mental, absolutely crazy- for about 10 minutes she was spinning around the post, pausing occasionally to lie with her head on the base, a look of what I can only describe as unadulterated pleasure on her face.  Chutney has also taken to using the post again instead of the mat. I guess I'll just have to put up with the tatty old thing cluttering up my lounge. Funnily enough, I took the newer post along to the farm and set it up in the stable where the cats are fed and have baskets to sleep in and they won't play with it either!

As usual this got me thinking, isn't it amazing the things that we will do for love? Not just for our pets, but also our children, partners and all those in our life that we care about. Why else would we ladies put up with toilet seats being left up, wet towels left on the floor or washing muddy football or rugby kits! Why do mothers and fathers spend hours standing in the cold and often rain, watching their kids play football and other games, just to see their dirty, happy faces when they win or dry their tears if they didn't. Then there's the new parents who suddenly find that they can survive on less than 8 hours sleep. On a more serious note, some people find themselves becoming carers for the much wanted child who was born with a disability or for the beloved partner who has a serious, perhaps terminal, illness. Yet because they love them, they happily change and adapt their lives to care for them. I find this very humbling.

When I think about this it makes me feel very grateful. Where would we be without love? It helps to make the good times better, but can also make the bad ones easier to cope with. It's all too easy to take those we love for granted, I know that I'm guilty of that. Now, when I look at the scratch post , it will be a reminder not to take for granted those people in my life who I care for and who, amazingly care for me. It will also serve to remind me how lucky I am. Life may not have always been easy but I was blessed to be surrounded by people who cared and supported me. I just hope I'm up to returning the favour if necessary.

A little video of Meg with the scratch post!

Sadly Meg passed away yesterday. She was hard work towards the end as she developed thyroid and eventually kidney problems. But she was loved and we'll miss her terribly.

Isabel Johnstone 2016 ©

'Golden Seams'.

In my blog titled 'I'll have the buffet please' I wrote about the different sources there are where a writer can find rich sources of material. In this blog I mentioned that I had discovered that television was one of them. I'm also finding out that, believe it or not, facebook can be a pretty good source too! I am part of a Lupus group on facebook and one of the young ladies on this page loves to share photographs and drawings. I have already used one of her pictures as inspiration in another blog. Earlier this week she posted another picture that really got things firing off in my head.

At face value it might strike you as being a strange source of inspiration, but as we all know looks can often be deceptive. The subject of the picture in question was of a broken Japanese vase that had been repaired. You may be forgiven for thinking that I've really lost the plot this time! What could possibly be learnt from a repaired vase? What makes this damaged object so special?

To explain I need to take you back to the late 15th century Japan when a shogun named Ashuikaga Yoshimasa sent a vase to China to be repaired. Apparently this was quite a commonplace thing to do at this time. When it came back he was disappointed as it had been repaired using ugly metal clips and was no longer the thing of beauty it had once been. This launched Japanese craftsmen on a quest for a new form of repair that could make a broken piece look as good as new, or better. This resulted in the invention of the Japanese art of Kintsugi or 'golden joinery'. This involves repairing objects using a resin that looks like gold which makes the objects look more precious. These repaired objects have become sought after by collectors and they were even the subject of an exhibition in the Smithsonian Freer gallery in March 2009 titled 'Golden Seams: The Japanese Art of Mending Ceramics'.

How many people are there who have experienced circumstances that have left them broken and in pieces? I know I have. As I've said before very few people sail through life without encountering some adverse circumstances or difficulties. As death is an inevitable part of life, we all lose people that we love and this can leave us feeling as if our hearts are broken. Given time we seem to mend but we are never the same. This applies to other difficult circumstances we go through.

But have you mended using metal clips or resin? Have you come out the other side a better, softer more compassionate person? I'm sure just like me you have come across people who have been left bitter and with a 'chip on their shoulder' by the cards that life has dealt them. These people often seem unhappy and dissatisfied with life. I've also encountered people who ,when you hear their life story, leaves you amazed that they are still standing, yet who seem happy and at peace and who have a softness about them that makes you feel better by just being in there presence.

The shogun was not satisfied to leave his vase held together with metal clips, but instead charged his craftsmen with finding a way to make it, not just as good as new, but even more gorgeous than it was in the first place. Having your heart broken is devastating, being battered and bruised by life's trials is hard. But personally, I would like to be mended with this resin. To make sense of the difficult circumstances of life by emerging a better person and hopefully one who has compassion for others. I love the idea of  being mended or restored with 'Golden Seams'.

Check out my new website at http://isabeljohnstone.co.uk/?p=366

Isabel Johnstone 2012 ©

Time to count your blessings.

Well it's that time of the year again and it's getting harder to ignore it! Christmas is fast approaching and until this weekend I was trying to do an 'ostrich act' and hide my head in the sand and pretend it wasn't happening. I sound like the Grinch, when in actual fact I really quite enjoy the run up to Christmas, once I get started. I love seeing the shops festooned in decorations and I sing along to the Christmas music blasting out over the sound system. So what's happened to make me stop ignoring it?

This weekend past my hubby and I went to visit our son and daughter-in-law. Our first grandchild is on the way and our son wanted his dad to help him put together the cot and a chest of drawers for the baby. On Saturday however we decided to go out to visit Chatsworth house, a stately home near Bakewell. We arrived expecting to see grand rooms decorated with priceless works of art and sculptures. In one respect we were correct in our assumptions, but what we didn't expect was to enter a world of Pantomime! The day before the house as it usually is, closed for the season and instead rooms that were normally closed to the public were open, but with a twist. We should have realised when the lady at the ticket desk said that we should turn right instead of the usual left, that something different was going to greet us!

As we ascended the few steps up into the corridor, we were greeted by Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs! At the end of the corridor we turned left to walk along streets paved with gold and passed Dick Whittington and his cat resting on their journey to London. Then we stepped through a doorway into what should have been the library but which had been transformed into the Darling children's bedroom with Peter Pan flying in through a window. In the opposite corner of the room, stood Captain Hook's pirate ship, with Tinkerbell hovering in the background. In each of the rooms there was a Christmas tree. Each tree was decorated with items relating to the theme of the room. For example, another one of the rooms contained Puss in Boots sitting in a wheelbarrow and the tree here was decorated with cats. In another room Widow Twanky was doing her washing while Aladdin was sitting in a cave surrounded by treasure!

I was in my element! The smile on my face was only outdone by the enormous Beanstalk going up into the roof in the grand staircase of the house! Upstairs the main dining room contained a Gingerbread house and a Witch wandered around beside a large child sized cage. Hastily leaving this room we entered a gallery full of statues covered in cobwebs. There was a chill in the air in this room and in the centre stood a four poster bed on which lay Sleeping Beauty flanked by 2 guards slumped on the spot that they were standing when the Good Fairy cast her spell on them all. If you looked out into the central courtyard you could even see Cinderella’s Glass Coach.

Finally we stepped out of this magical land into the gift shop! However my enjoyment didn’t stop there. The shop was an Aladdin’s Cave of ideas for Christmas presents and I made full use of this opportunity to start my Christmas shopping. At last I had found my Christmas Spirit.

I know that Christmas shouldn’t really be about the presents and the decorations. I’m also very aware that not everyone is lucky enough to be able to celebrate Christmas and that it can be a difficult time of the year for many. This blog may strike you as being a bit frivolous and in many ways it is. But having had dark times in my life, the fact that I can look forward to and enjoy Christmas is actually a sign that I have survived and come through the other side. In the past there have been Christmas’s that I have dreaded and my heart goes out to anyone who is in that position this year.

I can hardly believe that next year we will have a grandchild to spoil for Christmas. After all Christmas is really for kids, young and old. It should be a time when we count our blessing’s, I know that I’ll be counting mine!

I'll have the buffet please!

Last year I attended a Beginner's Writer's Workshop. I was extremely apprehensive and nervous. I was sure that everyone else who attended would be feeling confident and would be much better at it than me! We were all there for different reasons and were at different stages on our writing journey. Ranging from someone who was already in the process of writing a book, to myself, who although having the desire and plenty of ideas, was unsure about whether I'd be capable of writing. There was even a lady there who hadn't yet started writing her book but needed it to be published within weeks as she herself was running a workshop and wanted it for then!

As we sat and introduced ourselves and talked about why we were there, I began to relax a little. Everyone was so friendly and encouraging and it really felt as if I was among kindred spirits. The lady who was running the workshop then asked us to take some time to write a short piece about how we were feeling. That will be ok I thought, after all no one was going to read it. It had been a long time since I'd written down how I was feeling, not since just before the death of my little girl over 20 years ago. But I allowed myself to dare to be brave and write honestly about how I was feeling.

I was surprised at how liberating and enjoyable I found the writing process. What I didn't expect was that after gathering back together, fortified by drinks and snacks, we were then asked to read aloud what we had written! Nervously I listened as 2 of the braver ones among us began. I was amazed at the variety and quality of what was being shared. I also realised that I was not alone in my nervousness. Unable to take the tension of waiting my turn any longer, I asked to go next. With a shaky voice and tears in my eyes I overcame my fear and began to read aloud my writing. Everyone was so lovely and encouraging. So much so that later on in the day I was not quite so nervous when we were asked to repeat the exercise. It was a day of tears, not just from me, but also much laughter. I think that each of us went away from the day, not just having learnt about how to begin to write, but also feeling that we had made some new friends.

It was as a result of attending this workshop that I started writing this blog. One of the things we learnt that day was that we should find our own writer's voice. By writing about my experiences, past and present and exploring different types of writing, such as poetry and short story writing I feel that I am learning and growing all the time. Have I found it yet? It's too early to say. Will I ever write a book? Again at this point I don't know.

One afternoon I decided to catch up on Holby City, a medical drama on television, while working my way through a pile of ironing. As the iron glided across the garment I was working on, a phrase that one of the characters uttered, caught my attention. It was said by a porter to the CEO of the hospital. I rewound the recording and listened to it again, then wrote it down as I thought it was very profound.

"If you can't do great things, do small things in a great way". 

I think this is amazing! Not all of us can be the President of the USA or win the Nobel prize for Literature. But can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone followed this simple rule! Just lately I have been reading or hearing so many things that I want to adopt as my motto. Perhaps instead of choosing one main motto I'll have a buffet instead!

The creative writing module I'm currently doing encourages us to listen to people when in cafes or on trains and other public places, as this can be a source of rich material for our writing. I can now add watching television to the list! Little did I know when I signed up for the writer's workshop that I would be 'blogging'. I certainly didn't realise that it would set me on a path of learning so many new things. It's amazing what you can learn if you just pay attention to what's going on around you.

  

Tomorrow is the day after's, yesterday!

This morning I went out into the back garden to put out some food for the birds. The sun was shining. A nice change from the horrible wind and rain of yesterday. As I looked around I realised that, although the previous days weather had been dreadful, it had resulted in saving me from a very tiresome task! The lawn was no longer covered in all the leaves that had fallen from the Hazelnut tree and shrubs in the garden! They had been blown away, where to I don't know. I'm just so pleased that I'm no longer faced with having to rake them up and dispose of them :). At least they are bio degradable, so wherever they land they won't cause too much trouble for someone else.

As usual, this got me to thinking. How much time do I waste doing things that are not really necessary? Sometimes I don't give the people and important things in my life the time and attention they deserve because I'm busy doing other things. Perhaps it would be good to occasionally take the time to do a stock take of how we spend our time. You may be thinking that 'I don't have time to do this'? But if it results in us cutting down on unnecessary tasks,won't we gain time!

Some people might actually enjoy raking up the leaves and I know that the gardeners among you will want to add them to your compost heap. I'm not really a gardener, nor do I have a compost heap. Therefore I'm quite happy to let Nature take care of them for me. This just goes to show that we all have different ideas of what is and isn't important. But that's alright. Imagine all the things in life that wouldn't get done if we all enjoyed doing the same things and not others. Thank God for all the Mathematicians and Physicists out there, is what I say!

There are sometimes ways of getting around things we don't enjoy.  For example, I love ironing but I know some people who hate it. So what do they do? They fold the clothes as they take them out of the tumble dryer! 'Simples' as the Meerkat would say! It's sometimes just a case of thinking outside the box or learning from others. Of course there are things we don't enjoy that we do have to do. But do we have to do them today! Would the world fall apart if instead we spent more time with those we love?

I've entitled this blog 'tomorrow is the day after's yesterday'. Why? I'm not sure really. It just made me think about the importance of time and how important it is not to waste it! Talking of wasting time, I should really be starting to study for my open university course that starts this week. Unfortunately I don't think there's a wind that will blow this away for me!

 

 

Flashmob Granny.

Candles, plasticine and clay!

One morning when busy vacuuming in the dining room, I happened to glance at the candles in the candlesticks on the dining table. I looked at the melted wax that had, like the lava of a volcano, run down the candlestick in its molten state to finally solidify at the base. I thought about how there is a point when before the wax cools, it is possible to mould it and determine the final shape that the wax will take on. I know this as it's a habit of mine to play with the soft wax and make shapes with it! Once the candle is lit, it has no control over its fate or final shape.

This got me thinking! Sometimes we encounter difficulties in our lives when it seems as if someone or something has set us alight and we can't control what is happening to us. We watch helplessly as our life as we had envisaged it takes on a completely new shape. It's easy to think that at these times all we can do is hope that the final outcome is one that we are happy with.

But does it have to be this way? Unlike the candle we don't have to just stay put and wait for the inevitable. We have the choice to  change our circumstances. We don't have to just stand there and take it. Sometimes it just requires us to make a small adjustment in the way we do things. Other times we may be faced with the prospect of a major change. It's how we approach these trials that is the important thing.

As I was pondering on these things, I had a picture of a lump of plasticine and one of clay pop into my head! When a child plays with plasticine he/she can make anything they want. If they're not happy with it, they can just squash it up and start again. To me this is like being willing to be flexible and willing to change. On the other hand if you make something with clay, a pot or a bowl for example, if you're not happy with it there's not really anything you can do about it, except break it. If we can be more like plasticine and view adverse circumstances as a time when we can make changes instead of fighting them, we can use them to change us for the better.

One thing I think is very important, is to surround yourself with people you love and trust. It doesn't need to be a lot of people, A couple of well chosen friends or a supportive partner can be enough. If you have such people in your life, then when you are going through a 'melting process', they can help. When you are feeling vulnerable and tender, they can be there to help you to make the right decisions and changes that will help you to come out of the other side of the painful, difficult times a better, stronger person.

Candles have long been regarded as symbolic. We light them in remembrance or as a prayer for those we've lost. From now on I'll see them as a reminder that although there have been times in my life that have been hard and painful, I have survived. Not in the same shape as I was before perhaps, but hopefully a stronger, wiser person. I'll think of them as a symbol that difficult circumstances can sometimes be an opportunity.